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"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "You wait & see - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
…………… ………….. ……………….
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
They met at Malachy's the other night:
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third
drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink,
Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they
buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
Seamus hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the
night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Seamus, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a
toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams
'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!'
as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
...Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
...Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
Husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
Living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
Used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been
At least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing
Suit, so I sought my husband's advice..
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
And, my favorite is:
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'
|
CONQUER THE SCOTS ?
CONQUER THE SCOTS...
Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!' Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!' Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!' The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!' Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill, covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells. 'It's a trap!!! There's fucken two of them!!!' |
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
Your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi -
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
With.
Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of
The carpet or rug.
Wilson's Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
Scotland when suddenly a brand-new 4x4 advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd
and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his
Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as
the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody
called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
An Irishman abroad tells it like it is. What a hero !!!
What a local hero , watch this on youtube !!!!!!!!!!
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A
COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it. It's a beautiful poem and very well written. Thought it might be a comfort to you, it was to me. ENJOY!
WINTER
Fuck!
It's cold!
The End.
